Pretty Damn Near 100 Things

Hi there, everyone!

[crickets chirping]

Oh, that's right, everyone's off on their nice long patriotic-beer-binge-bottle-rocket holiday weekend.

Isn't that special.

But you know what? That's okay.

Over here, we've got fireworks aaaall year round.

Loud ones, too. Thhhhppppt!

Sigh ... who am I kidding?

Someone drink a beer for me, willya?
_______________________________________

So, since ain't nobody heah, I figure I'll use the time I usually spend reading your updates and penning devoted comments to do something I've been tempted to do for a loooong time now.

That's right, g money ...

The Official Blue Meany 100 Things You Never Really Wanted To Know About Me List is about to make its grand debut!

Bear with me now, because I'm not sure if I can even come up with 100 things about me that will not make you want to smash your screen, fleeing the room out of sheer terror and boredom.

But I'll do what I can, and you will love it. Do you hear me?! YOU WILL LOVE IT LIKE YOUR OWN SMALL, HELPLESS CHILD!!

Heh. Um ... yeah. That leads me to the first 100 Thing:

1. I have random outbursts, usually the kind that cause Incompetent Co-worker to observe, "Man, I kept expecting your head to start spinning."

Shit, I've scared everyone. Let me continue with something a little less along the lines of Whoa She's Fucking Insane.

2. I was brought up in a close-knit family, with one brother almost two years younger than me, and parents who have been married more than 25 years.

3. I was homeschooled until I was a freshman in high school. When I tell people this fact, they usually say, "Ohhh ... that makes sense." I've never known how to respond to that.

4. My personality is such that most people either really love me or really don't.

5. I'm always most comfortable with people who can make me either laugh till I cry or think till my brain hurts.

6. My favorite toy as a child was a Cabbage Patch doll named Matty Bob. Its gender remains unknown.

7. I have been in deeply in love with books of all types since I learned to read at age four.

8. My taste in music is eclectic to the point that someone who doesn't know me might suspect I have multiple personalities.

9. At times, I also suspect this of myself.

10. My greatest passions are writing, reading and spontaneity.

11. I tend to get bored and want to move on after a few months in one place or one job.

12. Which I should have considered more thoroughly before joining the Army.

13. Damn spontaneity.

14. I have always been outspoken and strong-willed, and discovered that early in life that this is not always a good thing.

15. I am extremely gullible, not really in a "You dropped your pocket" "Nuh uh!" sense, but in more of a "Some llamas can fly!" "Really?" sense.

16. I almost always laugh at any type of humor, but really well-used sarcasm has a special place in my heart.

17. The word "popular" has never been used when referring to me.

18. That used to bother me quite a bit, but I eventually realized that the popular kids were generally superficial airheads, and therefore not very much fun.

19. My definition of "fun" is "anything worth doing again."

20. I would rather regret doing something I've already done than regret not doing something I could have.

21. But I also firmly believe that (CLICHE ALERT!) everything happens for a reason -- even if that reason is unclear to me at the time.

22. I attended three different high schools -- private, public, and boarding -- and did not graduate from any of them, although I got my GED before involuntarily going to boarding school.

23. Speaking of that, I was always a bit of a hellion. Or more accurately, an enormous pain in the ass.

24. But due to my quick temper, impulsiveness and complete inability to tell a believable lie, I was a terribly unskilled rebel, and ultimately was inclined to reform for convenience's sake.

25. I have a bad habit of repeating my mistakes, subconsciously believing that "things will turn out differently this time around."

26. This, I'm told, is a common belief of schizophrenics.

27. (I'm not a schizophrenic.)

28. My foot is in my mouth nearly as often as my tongue is in my cheek, and this is not a coincidence.

29. I will not eat sauerkraut, on the grounds that I do not believe it can be classified as food.

30. I will eat anything that originates in my grandmother's kitchen, on the grounds that it is classifed as the best food ever made anywhere.

31. I will not hesitate to physically defend the previous statement, although I would most likely be beaten to a gelatinous pulp in the attempt.

32. This is because I fight like a girl -- in some cases, like a crippled girl with no eyes and the reflexes of your average slumbering heifer.

33. I love to dance and will gladly use any excuse to bust the proverbial move.

34. If you should ever witness me dancing, you should feel free to join any other witnesses present in the sort of uncontrollable, shrieking laughter that does not stop until, due to an extreme lack of oxygen, it becomes more like a series of heaving, gaspy squeaks which are only audible to dogs, bats, and certain species of sea-dwelling creatures.

35. I believe that bubble wrap, when used as anything other than packing material, can be instrumental in forming an unbreakable bond between complete strangers.

36. I have never been able to see any constellation other than Orion's Belt and the Dippers.

37. I once won a goldfish at the New York State Fair; I named it Muffin and kept it alive for nearly a week.

38. My first nickname after beginning public school was "Fro Lady."

39. No, it was not an exaggeration.

40. I am the only member of my immediate family who can't play at least one musical instrument.

41. I am the first member of my immediate and extended family in two generations to be in the military.

42. The name of my M16 rifle is Bungalow Bill, and he has not killed anything.

43. My favorite color is green, and I honestly don't remember why.

44. I have eight tattoos, and they are arranged more or less symmetrically on my body because balanced designs make me happy.

45. Also because it gave me an excuse to keep getting tattoos.

46. I am very familiar with the concept of Moderation, but am barely acquainted with the act that goes along with it.

47. The only part of my body I am really satisfied with is my toes.

48. I look at all forms of exercise which do not involve vigorous sex as hostile, and will go to greater lengths to avoid them than the average man will go to avoid entering into a meaningful conversation.

49. I can't cook anything more complicated than noodles.

50. Handling disappointment is about as easy for me as reading words is for Paris Hilton.

51. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Sometimes on both sleeves.

52. Competition doesn't matter to me unless I am competing in something I know I excel at. Then I am ruthless.

52. A single sincere compliment can alter my entire mood.

53. I did not see "Top Gun" all the way through until 2003.

54. I did not learn how to do the Electric Slide until 2001.

55. Needless to say, I was very sheltered.

56. I am absolutely unable to understand how anyone can hate an entire race of people, just because they are that race.

57. I learned about sex by reading Judy Blume books.

58. Hitchhiking is one of my favorite modes of transportation.

59. Because of that, I will almost always pick up a hitchhiker when I'm in the driver's seat.

60. For some reason, things like that don't scare me.

61. Driving in heavy traffic at night in the rain terrifies me.

62. I've been in four major car accidents -- three were recorded as being my fault, but I have chosen to blame two on Nature and one on the fact that the highway guardrail was obviously too close to the highway itself and just begging to be slammed into.

63. I have driven drunk more than once because I am afraid of not being able to locate my car the next day.

64. The last time I let someone else drive me home drunk, I could not locate my car the next day.

65. My car is a silver 1997 Honda Accord named Bruce, and is presently resting up from the 45,000 miles we traveled during the two years we've been together.

66. Husband hates Bruce because Bruce is a homosexual.

67. Yes, I will tell you that story someday.

68. The first time Husband rode with me in Bruce, I almost wrecked twice because Husband and I were not yet a Spousal Unit, but a Fuck-Buddy Unit, and I was very conscious of his lack of faith in my driving ability.

69. I inevitably screw up anything I am trying excessively hard to do well.

70. I find that I am the most talented person on earth whenever I am drunk.

71. Not to mention, extremely attractive.

72. Which may be why Husband and I did not have non-drunken sex until after at least three months of having sloppy, inebriated, how-did-I-end-up-in-your-bed-again-last-night sex.

73. It was truly a whirlwind romance, not unlike the sort one might find in the plethora of celebrated classic films which are produced in fraternity house basements.

74. I hate fraternities.

75. Yes, sororities too.

76. But I really would like to go back to school.

77. One of my deepest and least-acknowledged fears is that I'll have a mediocre life.

78. I am a notorious procrastinator, but once I begin to do whatever it is I've been putting off, I'll work on it with an almost maniacal obsession till it's done.

79. That second part didn't really kick in till I went to Basic Training, though.

80. I joined the Army because I was out of money, bored with my life, and happened to be able to get the "journalist" job I wanted.

81. They almost didn't even let me into the military because my eyes are so worthless that I'd need a pair of astigmatism-correcting binoculars duct-taped to my face in order to see without contacts.

82. My list-making skills really blow.

83. I pray daily that my marriage will last at least until our first anniversary.

84. That would be August 28th, less than two months away.

85. At our wedding reception, we were the drunkest people there.

86. So drunk, in fact, that upon entering our bed-and-breakfast room (with some assistance), we passed out fully-clothed, only to wake up the next morning with little memory of who drove us there and not even the faintest clue as to where in the crap my car had gone now.

87. Husband and I are obviously the perfect couple to invite to any social gathering where you are determined to a) get rid of every drop of booze you have ever purchased, including that stuff from Mexico with no label and a smell so rank and unique that in order to describe it a new word would have to be invented, and b) enjoy plenty of free entertainment consisting of live amateur soft-core porn, rampant incoherency, and dancing so painfully bad that your eyeballs actually develop free will and independently leap out of your head to avoid watching it.

88. As much as I clearly love to get my drink on, my Italian origin also bred into me a deep-seated appreciation for all things covered in homemade tomato sauce, good Italian bread (we're talking about the kind of which you buy two loaves because one will be consumed by the time we get home), and the concept of Always Keep Eating. To name a few.

89. My parents worked at a children's home in Bumfuck, Missouri, for two years, during which time I owned a horse, acquired my first Walkman, got mixed up with the Wrong Crowd, and received my first Actual Kiss From A Boy (when I was 13).

90. I participated in my first Girl Kiss when I was 16. Her name was Lexie and she was enormously pleased to help me put another notch on the ol' worldly experience belt.

91. Also when I was 16, I got in a fight with my mom, hopped a Greyhound for Port Authority, and lived in Manhattan with my aunt for a month. It was an eventful year.

92. I was born and raised in upstate New York, but since I've been in the Army my home's been in the Dirty South.

93. The thing I like best about the Dirty South is going to the flea market, stopping in the immediate vicinity of the most elderly, redneckish geezer I can find, and commenting loudly to my friends, "Don't they know they lost the war?"

94. I will say just about anything in public, to anyone, sober or drunk, whether or not an actual dare is involved, because I'm like that.

95. Right around the time of my second high school, I was a very good shoplifter, but haven't done it since, and never got caught.

96. I've gotten speeding tickets in almost every East Coast state that I-95 passes through from Georgia to New York, and including them.

97. My eyebrows were monstrously thick until I let my friend downsize them when I was 16. If you picture a weed-whacker being part of this process, you're not too far off.

98. In addition to my Italian background, I am one-quarter Jewish -- this makes for a gorgeous mix of bodily features, including wide hips, long nose, large/flat ass-thighs, and dark, curly, frizzy, razor-destroying hair just about everywhere.

99. I've been known to stop at #99, just because I can.

So! There it is. It's done now.

If there is anything else that you could possibly want to know about me that doesn't involve credit card numbers or film career (cough) ... well, you're way too curious and frankly it's beginning to make me nervous.