Why my life is so fan-fucking-tastic

Yesterday Most Annoying (but thankfully not Evil) Boss Ever returned from her four-day mini-vacation in the International Zone.

Her freakish over-excitedness permeated the atmosphere from the moment she walked into the office.

"Hey what's up how's it going how's everything what have you gotten done have you sent this out oh my God I'm so tired I had a great time so fill me in on everything that happened while I was gone -- ooh, CHOCOLATE!"

At that point she took a break to eat the chocolate that I, ever the devious temptress, put next to her computer especially for a moment like this.

During the two-second acknowledgement of food, I made my break.

But now the Madness has begun.

Whenever Annoying Boss is here, I get this feeling like that one you get when you REALLY have to fart but have to hold it in, either because you are polite or because you have been warned repeatedly not to fart at work, and your stomach gets all hurty and you just get angrier and angrier at God for making farts stinky and the world for having a sense of smell.

That's kind of the state of mind I get into.
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On the less-So Irritated I Could Put Thumbtacks Through My Eyeballs side of things, I FINALLY talked to Husband last night!

He's leaving for Arizona this morning on some kind of training mission, so I may not hear from him at all this week.

Grumpety grump grump.

BUT I will see him in 12 days, so I guess that'll make up for it ...

... and, you know, the rest of the year when we won't be together.

One of my buddies has been trying to convince me that Husband has a blonde stripper named Darcy living in our apartment while I'm gone, and that that is the reason I should have no problem giving head to anyone who requests it while I'm here.

According to him, I should hear "Darcy" and immediately think "I feel like giving someone oral sex. Hummers all around!"

Men just get more and more charming after three months of not getting laid, don't they?
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Last night, I was watching season 3 of "Friends" in my room (the episode where Chandler wears Julia Roberts' panties, in case you're interested), and I heard and FELT a pretty sizeable "boom!" outside.

In fact, if the "boom!" could talk, it probably would have said, "BOOM, MUTHAFUCKA! WAKE THE FUCK UP!"

So naturally, I had to see if this boom had landed anywhere near my trailer (which it hadn't), but as I poked my head out of the door, all the doors up and down my row of trailers started opening as everybody, prairie-dog-like, also poked their heads out and stepped onto their porches.

I'm tellin' ya, it was like a Holy War Block Party. I saw people out there whom I have never seen before.

"Hey what's up! You guys feel that?"
"Fuck yeah! How's it going? Hey, you got a movie I could borrow?"
"Dude, what the fuck, how close was that shit? Oh, yeah, I got a bootleg of 'Saw.'"
"Sweet! Well, shit, that better not get any closer. See ya later."

Don't listen to what people tell you -- soldiers CAN have good, clean fun.

As long as there's explosions.
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Without further ado, here's that long-ass survey I promised you guys yesterday:

• My uncle once: sang in a barbershop quartet … and still does. He’s a tenor.
• Never in my life: have I eaten sushi. Don’t know why, just never was drawn to it.
• When I was five: I got a Strawberry Shortcake lunch box as a starting-kindergarten present. This is only weird because I was home-schooled and ate lunch at home anyway.
• High School was: a giant blur. Once you’ve dropped out of two and gotten kicked out of one, you tend to just try to put the whole experience behind you.
• I will never forget: the birthday cake I got for my 11th birthday. I had gotten hit by a car while riding my bike the day before, and my cake said, “Hope your birthday’s a smash!” My dad did it on purpose. Har!
• I once met: Gary Sinise, Colin Quinn, and this dude in a bar who TOTALLY looked like Stifler.
• There’s this girl I know who: is obviously a boy, but has yet to admit it.
• Once, at a bar: I fell asleep. I’m not the best drinking partner after I’ve worked a 20-hour day.
• By noon I’m usually: having complex sexual fantasies while pretending to work.
• Last night: was incredibly dust-stormish. Whenever the wind blows, it sucks. (Sorry, horrible joke that I couldn’t resist making!)
• If I only had: a margarita, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food, and a plane ticket home, all would be well with the world.
• Next time I go to church, I: will be afraid that God will smite me before I’m through the doors.
• Terry Schiavo’s: fucking life is over and everyone needs to just MOVE ON, DAMMIT!
• When I turn my head left, I see: a box of tissues, a photo of me and Husband, and a post-it note that says “CMYK the photos!”
• When I turn my head right, I see: a chair. Wheeee.
• You know I’m lying when: my story changes just a little bit every time.
• What I miss most about the eighties: being seven years old.
• If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: Mercutio; a smartass who would do anything for his dear friends.
• By this time next year: I had better be out of this fucking country.
• A better name for me would be: Everyone seems to think I should be called “Darlene,” because apparently I am “just like her! Oh my God, you are SO Darlene!”
• I have a hard time understanding: calculus. That shit is HARD!
• If I ever go back to school: it will look great on my resume’.
• You know I like you if: I allow you to make fun of me with saying something truly mean and biting back.
• If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: God. You can never be too careful.
• Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens, and Geraldine Ferraro’s: are in this survey because …?
• Take my advice, never: sing a Sinatra song on karaoke in the South, even as a joke.
• My ideal breakfast is: I enjoy the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N’ Frooty at IHOP, the Mecca of breakfast establishments.
• A song I love, but do not have is: “500 Miles” by the Proclaimers
• If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you don’t go swimming in Onondaga Lake. They pull eight-eyed, purple, glowing fish with legs out of there.
• Tulips, character flaws, microchips, and track stars: are too many things for my brain to put together this early in the morning.
• Why won’t anyone: actually take the offered quarter and use it to call someone who cares?
• If you spend the night at my house, don’t: be asthmatic. We smoke like chimneys in there.
• I’d stop my wedding for: um … well, that’s already over with, but if the Skippy Ice Cream Truck came around the corner a-jingling, you know I’d have to do my civic duty.
• The world could do without: sauerkraut. Who the shit invented that, and why is it classified as food?
• I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: have to come back to Iraq for another tour, like I probably will have to.
• My favorite blonde is: Me, when I dye my hair blonde.
• Paper clips are more useful than: appliances that don’t work.
• If I do anything well, it’s: pissing people off.
• And, by the way: I want a backyard with a hammock.
• The last time I was drunk, I: watched “The Incredibles,” then fell asleep wasted and alone.

Wow, what a picker-upper that last one was!

I love dredging up the miserable past.
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I be out fo now, yo.

See you tomorrow, if I haven't torn my body to shreds out of sheer annoyed-ness.

I Love Work!