It's not quite Pepperland, but it'll do

"Peace, peace, supplant the gloom ..."

I'm just one disgruntled soldier trying to stay sane and piss people off at the same time.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Dear Blogger ...

You've pissed me off. Your silly "Down for Maintenance" screens make me want to slap elderly people. I'm going back to my home (go ahead, say it -- "Go to your home! Are you too good for your HOME??"), where I can actually update WHENEVER I WANT TO.

Love,

Meany

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If you think this template is badass (which I totally do), go visit Jordan and tell him that he rocks, because he made it for me, and he certainly does rock.

Friday, September 30, 2005

The Mood abides

I am in a Mood.

To clarify, a Mood (capitalized) is generally not the type wherein flowers bloom, sunbeams dance, babies giggle, etc.

No, no ... a Mood is what happens when I want to cause certain people great amounts of pain, but for some reason -- like "the law" or something -- I am unable to do so.

The Mood usually begins when I wake up. Every day since I arrived here, I've woken up pretty much hating humanity. In fact, my first word upon waking was "FUCK" for a few months running, until I decided I just didn't have the energy to speak that early in the day.

However, most days I'm able to pull myself out of the Mood. I come to work, sit down at my desk, turn on some music, and just ignore the humanity I hate until the Mood goes away and I am able to function like a normal person who doesn't want to throw heavy things at her co-workers.

Sometimes, though, my co-workers/bosses feel it necessary to prolong the Mood.

I don't know why, honestly. Maybe it's because they are also in a Mood, and wish to share it with me. Maybe it's because they're tired or they have a headache. Maybe it's because they don't like me. Or maybe it's because they're all shriveled little asstards.

Who knows?

All I can say is: we're all here, we're all miserable, we all want to go home. Why inflict more misery on each other? You leave me alone when you're pissy, and I'll do the same for you.

I bring this up now because it seems that one of my bosses just can't get it through his head.

I mentioned that when I come into work, I sit down and turn on some music. No particular genre, just whatever I happen to feel like hearing. Since my CD collection is pretty diverse (i.e., anyone looking at it would have a hard time figuring out which personality was my dominant one), what I happen to feel like hearing could be just about anything.

Country? Maybe.

Alternative? Maybe.

Gangsta g-dawg rap? Maybe.

Folk? Maybe.

Classic rock? Maybe.

Completely random mix? Probably.

Suffice it to say, there are not many people who could look through my CD case and not find something they like.

Except for two of my bosses.

One of these I have previously dubbed Annoying Boss. I haven't had to deal with her since I switched to night shift back in June, but she managed to leave a grating impression on my brain, because no matter what music I turned on, she hated it and It Must Be Turned Down Now.

And although I always just wanted to respond by dealing her a smart knock on the face, I always turned it down.

My secondary boss on night shift (whom I believe I mentioned yesterday, for a similar reason) is the same way, except he actually enjoys '80s music, and sometimes a few minutes of Ace of Base. (Which, yes ... I know.)

Also, and remarkably -- he strongly dislikes Annoying Boss. With a passion.

So -- unless The Sign is being seen or we are wondering if it's entirely possible to count 99 Luft Balloons in the sky -- as soon as the tunes burst forth from the speakers, he's going all Granny on me: "Turn that down! Put on some headphones! Blah blah blah! I'm man-PMSing! All the time!"

Side note: There is a reason I do not put on headphones. That reason is, I hate them. They drown out my surroundings, which freaks me out, and I can't hear the phone ring (which, since answering the phone when it rings is about 85.7% of my job, is not altogether okay). So no headphones for me, thanks.

Anyway, tonight I was rockin' out with the Cranberries, doing the whole yodeling-in-my-head thing along with Dolores "The Human Vocal Chord" O'Riordan, when my boss, he approacheth.

"Turn that down or put on headphones! Cranky cranky cranky!"

[Sigh] "Fine. [turning that down] Is this better? Seeing as how, at this point, I can hardly tell that instruments are being played?"

"As long as it doesn't go any higher than that."

Now, did I mention that I was in a Mood? A Mood which, with the help of Dolores and her vibratto, was slowly dissipating, but which suddenly returned in full Mood Mach 3? A Mood which has been known to overpower the angel on my shoulder which tells me when to "Just shut up. Shut the fuck up and do not speak. I am telling you. Do Not Say That"?

Well, I was. And the angel got its ass kicked.

And I muttered, "Geez, you remind me of [Annoying Boss]."

You would have thought I'd just told him to go fuck a strip of Velcro or something, because this look appeared on his face which I can only describe as the Look which goes perfectly with the Mood.

He said, "Just turn it off. Turn it off now."

Now we have battling Moods. Whose Mood will win? I bet it's the Mood with the most rank!

"What? I turned it down."

"Off."

Apparently, he is going to be like that.

So I stood up, turned off the music (goodbye, Dolores!), and said, "You know, maybe I should just go to sleep. That seems to be an approved course of action around here."

And then I walked out.

When I came back in fifteen minutes or so later, he said nothing.

Tee hee! We'll see what happens!

But needless to say, the Mood abides.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Baghdad -- the jet-setter's best-kept secret

Way #328476 to Annoy the Living Shit Out of Your Boss:

Watch your brand new Bob Dylan documentary just loud enough for Dylan’s voice to jerk him out of his deep sleep during every musical performance, but quiet enough to allow him to slip back into slumberland between songs.

Because, really, what can he do?

“DAMMIT! Why are you shirking work in a louder way than I am??”

“Umm …”

“Shut up! Turn that shit off and go to sleep!”

“Roger, sir.”

Come on, now. The chances of that happening are, what, 60/40?

Most likely he’d just hand me some headphones, lean back and close his eyes.

See, working nights at a worthless job in an office building in a combat zone can have its benefits!

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I want to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON I READ for updating today.

God only knows what I would have done for the past five hours without you all.

But you'll have to forgive me if my comments kind of suck. I get burned out after a few journals. After a while, I'm just, "Hahahahahaha. Fuuuuuunny." Or, "So sad. [Sob]" Or, "Interesting. Hmm."

So, yeah, if there's a comment from me like that on your site, that's because the sector of my brain which thinks up witty comments just needs to sleep sometimes. Nothing personal.

I would just refrain from comment (which I do sometimes), but I'm just OCD enough to have to write something but what should I write the creativity is GONE. GONE BUT MUST WRITE AAAAH!

I'm sure you understand.

[EDIT] Okay, I don't ALWAYS comment. But usually that doesn't mean I'm not reading. I still love you guys, but sometimes (and this is going to be hard to believe -- I swear it's true!) I just don't have anything to say, or can't think of a way to say it. And that's just the way it goes. Smooches! [/EDIT]

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Did you know that Iraq is the Next Hot Tourist Spot?

No??

That's so funny; I didn't either!

But apparently, the good folks at the Bradt Travel Book Publishing Place thought they had the scoop, back in 2002.

Yep, it seems that they instinctively knew how many people were going to want to flock to the Cradle of Civilization in the next few years, so they sent one of their top Travel Book Writers to this beautiful country o' evil dictatorship to do a little write-up.

The finished product was this:



travelbook

Not too shabby, if I do say so, myself. But somebody thought its original copy needed a little bit of touching up. So they made a few changes, and went to press ...

travelbook2

That's right!

Welcome to Beautiful Baghdad, now 100% Saddam-free! We invite you to visit our lovely palaces ... but you might want to watch out for those holes.